The Top 10 Ten Ways to Deal With Negative or Angry People

Originally Submitted on 8/28/96.

Most of us, at one time or another, have been confronted with someone who seems to be perpetually negative, or just has a proverbial "chip on the shoulder". Here are ten ways to deal with these kinds of people.

1. Don't react!

Easier said than done, you say, but that's exactly what your angry or negative opposite number won't expect! Instead of reacting and zinging off the first thing that comes to mind, take a moment, count saliently to ten if you need to, step back mentally and create some space between you and your angry/negative person.

2. Listen for the message behind the words.

Something like 90% of anger is mis-directed. Anger is often a function of fear or frustration about something that has little or nothing to do with you. Often, in or behind the words, there's a clue as to what's really bothering your troubled friend. Listen for it with all your senses.

3. Acknowledge that you heard what was said.

When you acknowledge what the other person has said, you aren't necessarily agreeing with him or her. You're simply letting them know that they've been heard. Example: "I can see that you're not happy about this."

4. Ask a clarifying question.

There are two reasons for asking a question at this point. First, it tends to defuse the anger by causing the person to expand upon what he or she has said initially. Second, it let's the person know that you're really interested in finding out what's going on. Example: "Can you tell me more about what concerns you?"

5. Repeat back.

This is the first of three steps designed to further defuse the situation prior to looking for a solution. Repeating back lets the other person know that you really did hear what was said. Example: "If I understand you correctly, you are concerned that _______. (Here, try to use some of the exact words used initially by the other person.)

6. Expand upon what has been said.

Get in the other person's shoes and take it a step further. Done properly, this lets the other person know that you really do understand and,in the brief time allotted, have thought about what he/she said. Example: "In light of your concern, that would mean _____. Is that correct?" Ending with a question encourages the other person to confirm to you that he/she feels you're open.

7. Legitimize.

As in #3 above, to legitimize does not mean to agree. It simply means that, based on where the other person is coming from, you can understand why he/she said what was said. Example: "I can certainly understand why you feel the way you do."

8. Offer to explore solutions.

Different from "offer solutions". Chances are, if you offer a solution out of hand, you'll be shot down. Better to ask permission to participate in the problem solving process. Example: "Would it be helpful to you to consider what can be done to resolve this?" Of course, a negative response alerts you to the fact that the person really doesn't want to resolve it! Notice that you didn't say "we" consider what can be done. Putting it that way can inadvertently place you in the position of assuming responsibility for the solution, and it may not be yours to assume. Keeping the question generic allows you to get additional feedback as to just how willing the person is to assume responsibility for finding a solution.

9. Establish your boundaries.

You've asked a reasonable question and you're entitled to a reasonable and courteous reply. If you don't understand it, stand your ground. Point out, if necessary, that your question was prompted by your concern that this person be able to resolve the situation. Sometimes, at this point, you simply ask: "What can I do to help?" Surprisingly, that can trigger an awakening in the other person that it really isn't your responsibility to solve the problem.

10. Use as much force as necessary to enforce the boundaries you've set.

Occasionally, you'll encounter someone who, like an old dog with a bone, just won't let go. They'll return to the same litany and begin all over, or they'll toss in a nasty dig or accusation which is probably wide of the mark. The fact is, you've listened, acknowledged, explored, legitimized and offered, and that isn't good enough. Some examples: "I believe I understand your concern, and I've offered to help you reach a solution. What more do you want?" If the person becomes verbally abusive after all this, you can simply say: "I'm sorry. I don't believe that I can help you any further, and I don't appreciate your tone. If you're going to speak to me in that manner, I'm afraid you'll have to work it out for yourself. I don't appreciate abuse." You'll have to judge just how far you want to go with this by observing the other person's demeanor, and whether or not you feel the situation might still be salvageable.

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