The Top 10 Reasons Why We Tolerate Tolerations

Originally Submitted on 3/19/2001.

Tolerations is a coaching term for things that irritate us because they need to be done, or removed, or changed, but that we have not done anything about. Having a lot of tolerations nagging at us can be exhausting. Deciding what we need to do about tolerations becomes easier when we clarify WHY we are not doing anything about them. In some circumstances a toleration does not need to be 'zapped' or removed, but needs to be 'reframed.' A reframe means that we find a way to change our perception from negative to positive. Here are some of the reasons why we let tolerations continue to exist, and what may need to be done to overcome the obstacles.

1. We don't have the time.

Everyone has the same amount of time as everyone else - 24 hours a day. What is probably meant is that other things are recurringly more urgent, and, because of their urgency, may appear more important. A useful plan is to schedule a chunk of time each week for items that we REALLY want to do but that never quite have the strength to move to the top of the priority list. An alternative is to accept that they are NOT important, that we don't care about them, and then no longer allow them to bother us. This means that the toleration is not zapped but it is reframed.

2. We don't have the supplies needed to get them done.

List what is needed, add to shopping list or to 'borrow list' from someone who does. Once you get the supplies, place them near where they will be needed and schedule a time to use them.

3. They involve doing something we don't enjoy.

So make a decision. Which is worse, for a short while doing something you don't enjoy, or longterm enduring whatever it is that you put up with as the toleration? Then either decide to do the task anyway, or consciously reframe the toleration as the lesser of two evils that, therefore, you choose to accept. Your choice.

4. They seem too complicated.

The trick with complexity is to untangle it. Examine what needs to be done, and then decide what is the absolute first step. Take it. Then the next, and the next. First steps are rarely complex.

5. We don't want to consider the alternatives.

Somewhere along the line we decided that we do not have a choice, we have to put up with whatever the toleration is. Have you really considered all the alternative options open to you? Try discussing this with an objective friend or coach - you might gain more perspective.

6. We perceive that the toleration involves outside circumstances that we cannot change.

First, consider the alternatives. If you really cannot change the circumstances, carefully examine the situation to find some advantages. There must be a reason you put up with whatever it is. Try to reframe the situation in light of those advantages so that it becomes a plus instead of a minus.

7. We are getting something out of the toleration that we do not recognize.

Perhaps a task that is pointedly not done is a silent rebuke to another person in the household. Perhaps its state of undoneness provides a familiarity that one part of us still seeks. There are many reasons for not doing things that lie beneath consciousness. Try journaling about it.

8. We don't know how to do the necessary task.

If we do not know how, we can either find a book or video tape or a class to instruct us, or pay someone to do the task - and watch closely so that we can do it ourselves next time.

9. The task is physically difficult/impossible for us to do.

If we need physical help, again, we can pay someone, or enlist a friend or relative to help out. First, though, do try. Perhaps you are more capable than you think.

10. We have not decided how we want to do it, or what color it should be, etc.

Give yourself a deadline, by which you will have made those decisions. When we delay decision-making it is often because we fear that we will make a mistake. Have faith in your own judgment. You know far more than you give yourself credit for.

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