The Top 10 Ways to Get Real in Your Relationships

Originally Submitted on 7/18/2000.

The personal relationships we have with others serve a very useful purpose - they serve as mirrors for our own lives, showing us who we are, and giving us the opportunity to decide who we really want to be. Once we're willing to acknowledge that the people in our lives are simply mirroring us, the next step is to get real with ourselves about what we're seeing in that mirror. And most of the time, this is not easy for us to do. But never fear, your coach is here, with some strategies to help you get real with your relationships.

1. Accept and acknowledge the fact that you simply cannot change other people. Stop wasting your energy trying to change others, and change yourself if you're not happy with the situation.

Sometimes in our relationships, we focus our attention and energy on the other person, and what he/she is doing or not doing and how we want to change that about them. In reality, you cannot change other people. People are going to do what they are going to do. They may change for a little while to please you, but unless they truly WANT to change, the relationship will suffer. Instead of putting your energy into changing others, work on yourself. When you change your own behavior, the dynamics of the relationship will change one way or another. You may not get what you initially wanted, but you will be happier with yourself and will stop resenting the other person for not changing to suit your needs.

2. Other people are mirrors of our selves, and you may not always like what you see in this mirror.

When something about another person annoys you or upsets you, instead of reacting to what they are doing or saying, take some time to look at yourself, and ask "how might this situation be a reflection of me, of my behaviors, of my choices?" Most of the time, the irritating character trait we detest in the other person is something we see in ourselves that we don't like. If you're single and feel like you're always ending up with partners who don't treat you well, this is a clear sign you need to be looking at yourself and why you are in such a negative relationship pattern. You may not like what you see in your "relationship mirror," but your willingness to get real and look will be critical to your ability to have healthy relationships.

3. Accept that the people in your life are there because you made the choice to be with them. If your relationships are unsatisfying or unhealthy, you can choose something different.

If you are in a relationship with someone who is not treating you well, YOU are responsible for this, because you are allowing that person to continue with the behavior. You do have choices about this relationship, even though you may not feel like you do (especially with family or spouse). You can choose to allow the relationship to continue the way it is - in which case, you will continue to get what you don't like. You can choose to stop tolerating the behavior and set boundaries with this person about the behavior, letting them know it is not acceptable and why. And you can also choose to leave a relationship behind if it is unhealthy for you to be in it. But you do have a choice, always.

4. It is unrealistic to expect another person to fulfill all your needs and make your life a dream come true. You, and you alone, are responsible for yourself and your needs.

Many of our frustrations in relationships stem from our expectations of others. We often expect the other person to "make" us happy, to "bring" us love, to "give" us respect. We expect them to show they care by placing conditions on the relationship: "If my kids really loved me, they'd call more or help me out more around the house." "If he really loved me, he'd bring me flowers and take me out to a nice dinner every weekend." "If she was really a good friend, she wouldn't have forgotten my birthday." "If my boss really appreciated me, he'd give me that promotion."

Other people can't "make" us happy, "bring" us love, or "give" us respect. Those things have to come from within us. If you're expecting your relationships to provide you with those things, chances are you're feeling rather disappointed in others on a regular basis, because no one can ever live up to those high expectations you have.

5. By the same token, you are not responsible for fulfilling the needs of others (with very few exceptions).

Many of us, particularly women, go through life doing, doing, doing for others, trying to make THEM happy and fulfill all their needs - so they won't be upset with us, won't leave us, won't be angry. With the obvious exception of caring for your children or others who literally need your help to survive, you are not responsible for others to the extent that you are draining yourself. You don't need to "buy love" from others by making yourself an indispensable doormat!

6. You are not responsible for how other people choose to feel.

Just as you can't change another person's behavior, you also can't control the way another person feels. We all have choices about our reactions to things. Have you ever heard the expression "it's not what happens to you in life, it's what you do with it that counts"? This is a very important concept to get real about in your relationships - unless you accept this, you will forever be suppressing and withholding your real feelings for fear of offending or hurting or angering another person.

Your sole responsibility, when communicating with another person, is to speak the truth from your heart, with love and compassion, and to do it authentically and directly. As long as you are speaking your truth, and doing it in a non-reactive way, you are not responsible for how the recipient chooses to feel about it. Accepting this point frees you from a great deal of guilt and allows you to speak your truth.

7. You are one of the two people in your relationship. Do you want to contribute to the relationship or contaminate it? It's your choice!

Although you can't fix or change another person, you do have a choice about what kind of energy you want to bring into the relationship. Every day, with every interaction you have in your relationships, you are choosing to either contribute or contaminate it. Your actions and your words are a reflection of your choice. Next time you are tempted to act out, to be reactive, to say or do something hurtful out of your own pain, think about this.

8. Understand that people are always doing their very best in life - even if their best may not be enough for you.

When we feel hurt or disappointed by other people, it's all too easy to want to blame them. Realize, however, that people are always doing the best they can with what they personally have to work with. Everyone has baggage, everyone has a past. We can't always know what is on another person's mind or heart. People make choices, and sometimes their choices cause us pain. Understanding that deep down, they don't want to cause us pain, they are just doing the best they can in that moment. Even if their "best" is just not enough for us. When you can truly see this about other people, you will save yourself the time and energy of wishing people or circumstances could be different.

9. Be willing to be your authentic self in your relationships.

Some people (I'm speaking to many of you women out there, and probably quite a few men, too!) literally turn themselves inside out in order to make a relationship work. They say what they think the other person wants to hear, or do what the other person wants to do, even when that is not a true expression of who they really are. This happens most often in romantic relationships - you're afraid to be your "real" self early in the relationship, so you pretend to be something else. Before you know it, time has passed - it may be weeks, months or even years - and you can't BE that fake self anymore... and this wreaks havoc with your relationships. This same problem also comes up in the workplace... you're afraid to relax and be yourself because you are living in fear of losing your job. No matter what the context, if you are not allowing your real self to shine through in your relationships, you are doing yourself and the other people in your life a huge disservice, and in some cases may be jeopardizing the relationship. You are wonderful, just the way you are - so be yourself!

10. Be willing to be vulnerable and take risks in your relationships.

You can't have a truly healthy relationship with another human being until you are willing to sometimes take risks and even be vulnerable. Playing it safe, hiding your real feelings and thoughts, refusing to show you're human - all of these, while they are important strategies when you are focusing on mere survival, prevent you from experiencing the true joy of being in healthy relationships with other people. Although it's scary, you have to be willing to take some chances and even willing to be hurt. The benefits will far outweigh the risks, as your relationships grow and become more intimate and fulfilling!

---

About the Submitter

This content may be forwarded in full, with copyright, contact, and creation information intact, without specific permission, when used only in a not-for-profit context. For other uses, permission in writing from CoachVille is required. Questions: email topten@coachville.com

Please use your browser controls to close this page & return to the selection page, or click to return to Top 10 home page.