The Top 10 Ways to Know When Your Relationship Needs Fine-Tuning

Originally Submitted on 10/4/2000.

Sometimes we don't recognize that the relationship we're in has gotten off track. Something about the relationship might "feel off," or it may lack the sense of joy and love it was founded upon. If this happens, it's time for a reality check. It's best to base your actions and decisions on the present, acknowledging what is, rather than on only a vision for the future, or a memory from the past.

1. When it's the other person who always sets the parameters or the rules,

it's time to reconsider. Your relationship isn't a partnership if you're not both creating the ground rules.

2. When your differences of opinion don't improve each other or the relationship,

and instead injure one's feelings or pride, it's time to pay attention. When both people are committed to the partnership, each rises above the differences and embraces the best of both perspectives/approaches. It's not personal.

3. When you've lost your sense of purpose,

it's time to re-evaluate what brought you to the relationship in the first place. Perhaps the relationship's fulfilled the original intention, and it's time to move on. Maybe not. The important thing is to evaluate where you are now, what it is you want, and whether the partnership is capable of providing you with what you want. Does it still answer your needs? Or, have your needs changed and you've not effectively communicated these changes? Or, have you and your partner lost the commitment and energy required to respond to each other, to make the relationship work?

4. When you've lost a sense of fun,

it's also time to re-evaluate. How can you make the relationship better? How can you bring new life, passion or commitment to it? Living things need to be nurtured. If you're not enjoying each other, it's time to pay attention to ways in which the relationship can be nurtured.

5. Look again at what brought you together in the first place.

What originally sparked the connection? Complementary personalities? Great sex? Similar interests or common values? Expedience? Money? Be clear about what you each bring to the partnership, and double-check with each other that you're still willing and able to provide or be that for the other.

6. When one person's doing all the work,

and the other person's not contributing to the relationship with commitment and velocity, it's time for a review. Look at the balance of power, look at the process, and the outcomes. Over time, each of your contributions should add to each other, so you're bigger, better or more brilliant than you would be on your own.

7. When the commitment to communicate is no longer solid,

the relationship suffers. You might have an incredibly synergistic relationship but have not yet "faced the fires" that make or break a partnership. Communication is essential for keeping the relationship open and full of possibility. Respect and love are not always enough. Communication is what oil is to a car – it lubricates the parts and keeps the engine running smoothly. Don't underestimate the importance of communication.

8. If respect is lacking, it's also time to evaluate.

Self-respect, as well as respect from and for your partner, is essential. If your partner doesn't respect you, that's a signal that something, somewhere is "off." If you don't respect your partner, so too is something "off." Deal with the source now while the costs are low. The longer you put off dealing with the relationship, the harder it is to get back on track.

9. If you find yourself lying or not telling the truth about something,

this too is a sign to re-evaluate the relationship. Integrity is closely linked to keeping one's word. If your integrity is out, there's no better way to restore it, than to tell the truth. Telling the truth is expedient and effective -- just be tactful and respectful with each other.

10. If there's too much water under the bridge,

and not enough commitment and communication to do the work necessary to put the partnership back on track, the relationship may suffer. Take time every day to appreciate what matters. Communicate this to those in your life.

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