The Top 10 Strategies for Relationship Recovery

Originally Submitted on 2/21/2003.

1. Allow yourself the time and space for sadness.

Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself as much time as you need for grieving. Your pain at the loss you have suffered is valid - it is like a death and can feel as bad, if not worse, knowing that your partner has chosen to live a life without you, possibly, even, with someone else. The emotional pain can be indescribable.

Give yourself the time and space to get in touch with your sadness and allow yourself to feel it fully. It is part of being alive and it's healthy. If you suppress it (depress it), you may find yourself becoming very depressed. Depression suppresses our aliveness and is unhealthy. It may not be appropriate to give into the grief whenever you feel it, especially if you are at work or have children. So schedule in time to be with yourself, on your own, and allow the sadness to wash over you. The tears that you cry will be healing tears. In time, you will be healed.

2. Don't bore the pants off your friends and family.

Gather your support system of friends and family around you but limit the amount of time you talk to them about your loss. Friends who have not been through it themselves may empathise but will not understand fully and if, after a period of time, you are still grieving, they may find it hard to be in your company.

Your friends are undoubtedly well-meaning but generally will prefer to "fix" your grief for you because they will feel discomfort at seeing you so hurt. They want to get the old you back. But you may never be that old you again. Believe it or not, there's an even better you just waiting to burst out, once you have acknowledged the grief and are ready to move on.

3. Act "as if" you're having fun - you will eventually.

Get active and playful, even if you don't always feel like it. Join an exercise class or an evening class, plan an adventure holiday like getting sponsored to walk the Great Wall of China (or something else - there are lots of different options) for charity - it need cost you nothing and you will be doing it for a great cause.

Have sociable times with friends and family. Go and do something mad like a firewalk or learn the trapeze. Act "as if" you are having fun, even if you are not because at some point, you will stop having to act. It will start to come back naturally as your grief begins to loosen its hold.

4. Choose to let go of anger.

Most people who go through bereavement of one sort or another, at some point experience anger towards the person they have lost, and that is perfectly normal, healthy and part of the grieving process. Know that you have the choice to change your attitude when you are ready. Whilst you continue to remain angry, ask yourself what you are getting from staying like this? Include both the good and the bad because you will undoubtedly be deriving some benefit from it, even if it is only because you feel morally justified not to let the other person off the hook.

You can choose to stay stuck, angry and unforgiving (and you will harm yourself much more than you can harm your ex-partner - being angry hurts your soul and uses up lots of energy) or you can choose to re-write the script.

How would your life be different if you simply forgave them and let it go?

5. Forgive yourself.

If you feel you have had love, joy, peace and forgiveness squeezed out of you then, in order to be able to radiate these things once more you need to begin by giving them to yourself first. Decide now what you want your life to be about, what you want to be remembered for, then start to live it, radiate it, sprinkle it around you like fairy dust and allow yourself to feel it and be it from the moment you get up in the morning until the moment you go to bed. When we judge others, it is because we judge ourselves.

What do you need to forgive yourself for? Again, how would your life be different if you were able to do this?

6. BECOME FINANCIALLY SAVVY

Ignorance is not bliss. If you're in debt, get advice. Cut up your credit cards, get a friend to teach you some basic book-keeping skills if necessary and make sure you have a complete picture of your income (from whatever source) and all your outgoings. Keep track of all your spending, at least for a while, so that you know where your money is going to.

Start to plan your future, get advice on investments, property, pension, everything you need to plan a comfortable retirement. Keeping your head stuck in the sand only gets uncomfortable in the end. You need to know, even if the view does not look great at the moment. Because you can then plan how to take back control.

7. GET TO KNOW YOURSELF NEWLY

Learning to be on your own and to enjoy it is a great gift. Treat yourself, at least on a weekly basis, and do it on your own. Rent a video, light some candles, burn incense, dim the lighting, pour yourself a nice drink and really enjoy the experience of having a date with yourself. Go for a walk along your nearest beach and have tea overlooking the sea, or visit an art gallery. Treat yourself to something different each week.

So often, with a partner, we start to lose a sense of who we are. Boundaries become blurred as we live our lives in line with the values, beliefs and desires of others and lose sight of what was once important to us. Start writing in a journal and allow yourself to be completely honest with your feelings. And give yourself at least six months of getting to know YOU all over again before you consider dating. So that you never lose sight of who YOU are, ever again!

8. DARE TO DREAM AND PLAN

Allow yourself to dream of possibilities. You may have forgotten all the hopes and dreams you once had, before your relationship began. Collect magazines and cut out anything that provokes an emotional response. Make a collage and keep it in a prominent place.

If you had all the money in the world and knew you had only five years to live, what would you want to do, be or have in the remaining five years of your life? Make a list and try to reach 100. And don't forget the small things, especially the things that make you feel loved. What are you learning from this? Keep writing in your journal.

9. PUT YOUR PLANS INTO ACTION

What are three goals you want to set yourself as a result of doing this work? And if you could break those goals down into baby steps, lots of them, what would they be? So now it's time to take action. When do you want to achieve them by? Are you prepared to commit yourself to taking one baby step forward on each of your goals, every day? That's three steps per day?

Now's the time to ask for help from a close friend. Maybe they want to do it too. So that you can stay accountable to each other. This bit is really important - it's so easy to give up. Make sure you check in together at least on a monthly basis, if not more (you can do it by phone even). Or get yourself a life coach who can help you to stay on track and will coach you through any wobbles along the way (because there could be a few!).

10. CELEBRATE

Get into the habit of asking yourself daily and writing in your journal (before you go to bed maybe?), what's been good about today. This isn't about adopting a Pollyanna attitude. But there is a universal law which says that we get what we focus on. So if we focus on lack or on fear of being hurt again, that is precisely what we will get. And if we focus on abundance, the world is waiting for us! Even an unexpected smile from a stranger or a beautiful sunset are worth recording. See if you can get up to 10 good things each day.

And celebrate each step along the way. Reward yourself when you have completed a particularly challenging task that you may have been avoiding for a long time. Look back at how far you have come since those early days. Look at what you have achieved, no matter how small. You're on a journey of self-discovery and growth and you are well on your way to realising your dream. Isn't it a wonderful feeling!

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