The Top 10 Ways to Be Effective and Comfortable In Any Relationship

Originally Submitted on 5/20/2003.

Becoming aware of the amount of energy it cost to be in relationship with a person is a first step of creating an atmosphere for effectiveness and comfort within that relationship. Awareness gives us an opportunity to initiate with strategy rather than reactivity. Strategy is energy efficient.

1. Know Your Relationship Style

There are many assessments on the market that help people to discover their personality style. The In-Depth Relationship Assessment, Indra ™ is the newest member of the DISC family of products and is specifically geared toward understanding your relationship style. This assessment can be taken on line and you can receive your results immediately. The faster you have the results the faster you may begin to apply strategies to maximize comfort and effectiveness in relationships.

2. Understand Your Style

When you have an understanding of your style then you will begin to recognize the traits you tend to overuse and the traits you tend to under use. If you changed just one of these today how would it make a difference in your relationships? Which relationships?

3. Know the style of the person you are relating to

When you take time to people read you set the stage for relating proactively. An acquaintance of mine once said the more I know about me makes me human and the more I know about you makes me humane.

4. Understand their style

Once you have determined the style of the person you are relating to, then you may begin to understand the person. Taking time to know your style and their style has the potential to bring good will to the relationship. Once goodwill is present the communication can remain clean.

5. Know that all relationships cost energy

When you recognize that all relationships cost energy then you can put your mind to the task of being fuel efficient. One aspect of emotional intelligence is about managing your energy. Entering relationships with strategies to match the person’s relationship style will cost you less energy. Strategies may include simple things like scheduling regular times to meet. Determining how limits of authority will be defined. Ensure that you have agreement upon areas of responsibility. Sometimes it is important to simply agree to disagree. Using any of these strategies will serve to conserve energy and maximize effectiveness.

6. Make time to create a shared vision

In our most intimate of relationships it is important to have a shared vision. If you have not created this with your partner then it may be time to enter into a discussion which includes dialogue about requirements, wants, and needs. It may also be a time to contract with a coach who specializes in working with couples.

7. Practice Practice Practice

We have all heard it before, practice makes perfect. Initially when we do anything new it takes extra energy to get through the learning curve. However, when we are consistently applying the strategies and being intentional in our relationships the curve will be less steep. In addition this may be a time to give better self messages. Often times I hear a person say I don't know if it is worth it. I'm always the one trying to make a difference. Once they apply the strategies for a week or two, I will hear their message shifting to a belief that perhaps it can be different.

8. Learn to stretch - It really is possible to teach an old dog...

Even though we all have a relationship style that serves as home base, reality is we can step into any of the styles and take on the traits and characteristics of any of the styles. Again, it will cost energy. Practice stretching into unfamiliar zones. Initially, it may feel like a huge drain of energy. Respect the learning curve and focus on stretching in just one area at a time. Take time to share with your partner that you are stretching and engage in dialogue and discussion about where each of you feels challenged. Brainstorm ways that you may support one another through the stretch. This may also be a time to call upon a coach to walk you through the strategies of stretching and vulnerability.

9. Know Your Boundaries

As you discover the areas that you can stretch into, take time to reflect on how much energy it cost you to do so. Did you come away feeling drained or full. There may be some relationships that you engage in on a regular basis that leave you feeling zapped. Ask yourself “ what is it that I could do differently”? Ask, “Am I willing to continue to invest this much energy?” Ask, “Would this relationship be more effective or comfortable if I had boundaries in place and knew when to say no?” Remember that 80% of the solution lies within you. And, only you can determine your boundaries.

10. Contract with a coach

A Relationship Coach or a Life Coach will work with you to discover your style through the use of assessments. Once that is in place then you and your coach can begin the journey of defining your vision and developing strategies to support the vision and your style.

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