The Top 10 Tips for Finding Your Perfect Match - Dating 101: A Beginner's Guide

Originally Submitted on 10/1/2003.

The whole idea of getting started with the dating process can be quite daunting. Sometimes the challenge seems so great that we decide to stay at home instead; after all there is always a good show on television. If you are looking for a way to enter or re-enter the dating arena and want a blueprint for how to get started, then follow these steps and you should be successfully on your way.

1. Teamwork

Partner with one good friend who wants for YOU what is good for you that YOU WANT for YOURSELF. Preferably, choose someone who you are not competing with; otherwise have an agreement about taking care of your friendship and yourselves while working together to cheer each other on and support each other through the process.

2. Lists - Define what you want.

These are a very important part of the process. You will have to be clear about what you want. It helps to have an idea of what you want in a partner and from a partner and writing those ideas down on paper helps keep you honest with yourself about what you really want. Be willing to have these lists grow and change as you get closer to finding that special someone.

3. Take notes.

After each date, sit quietly and write some notes about what went well and what didn't go well, what you liked and what you didn't like, what you know about this person (i.e., do they have the things you want them to have). If you are too tired to write down notes, then use your lists as a checklist to see if the person has what you said you were looking for and if you think you need to fine tune your lists.

4. Keep files.

Keep a private file with all of your notes in one place so you can access the information easily. This will help you to keep track of who you have contacted and who has contacted you. It saves time and is also a good resource for finding people to attend singles events or match up with your friends if they are nice people and just not right for you.

5. Dating Methods

Decide on what methods you would like to try in order to meet new people. Mass dating (some would call this marathon dating), while scary at first, gives you room to be more objective and allows you to learn valuable information about yourself. Make sure to have your dates in public places so you can see how the person interacts with other people. There are many ways to begin the dating process - online dating services, in-person matchmaking services, networking parties, personal ads, singles activity clubs, bookstores, local events, ask friends to set you up, etc.

6. Wordsmith your profile.

Wordsmithing is very important. Don't use cliches. Be yourself. Be honest. Say what you want to have for yourself. Describe the qualities you want to have in your life – what does it feel like; what does it look like; what is the texture you want it to have. Be inviting, be friendly, be warm, be soft, be yourself.

7. Quiet Time

Allow yourself some quiet time before and after dates to feel your feelings and to breathe and relax. It is normal to feel frightened and a bit anxious. This is a big and BRAVE step. Maybe the feeling of fear signifies that you are being brave.

8. Perfection is not required.

You don't have to have a "perfect" list to get started. Be willing to change your list as you experience what you think you want. You may be surprised at how you word things on your list and how they show up. You may find that what you are asking for is not really what you want and then you will need to refine your list to attract what you really want. It is a fabulous learning tool and a fabulous learning experience.

9. How to Be

It is important to let yourself be willing to have your feelings and face the experiences that come toward you in this process. Be willing to have FUN. Be open hearted toward yourself and the human being sitting opposite you (they are probably just as nervous and fearful as you are). Have no expectations about what the "package" looks like. Know that you can take care of yourself and trust your instincts (this is different from listening to your fear). Expect to be treated well and to treat the other person well. Allow yourself to be treated well and to be treated with respect. Know there is NOTHING wrong with you. Know you are both doing the best you can in the moment and sometimes that first meeting can be awkward (as can the second and third). Live a happy life. Be honest with yourself and be self-loving. Use a coach whenever you need some assistance with the process.

10. Use the process to learn about yourself.

The bottom line to what is happening when you go through this process is that you think you are out to find that fabulous person to be your match; you are really finding Yourself in the process.

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