The Top 10 Things To Do/Remember when a Relationship has Ended

Originally Submitted on 6/29/97.

When a relationship has ended we can flail around and wallow in the pain, the what-ifs, and the maybes, or we can feel the grief, shake ourselves off and move on.

1. Call your friends, even the ones you feel badly about because you've ignored them during the relationship.

They'll probably be delighted to hear from you, and you need them.

2. List five things you used to like doing that you did not do, or did very rarely, during the relationship.

Schedule yourself to do at least two within the next two weeks, the rest within a month or so.

3. Remember that you are a whole person in your own right.

You had a life before this relationship and you can have one again regardless of who may or may not be your companion.

4. Do not try to be, or agree to be, "just good friends" with the other person until you have resolved unfinished business and are comfortable with the ending of the relationship.

Otherwise you will keep alive your and/or the other person's hopes and probably prevent both of you from moving on and finding someone who is right for you.

5. Make a list of at least five things that really bothered you about the relationship.

Place it where you will see it every day so that you will not sink into "euphoric recall" and make yourself miserable only remembering (and mourning for) the good parts.

6. Rearrange the furniture, particularly in the bedroom.

Redecorate if you can afford it.

7. Do not keep any of his/her things around waiting for their owner to pick them up.

Do not plan to deliver them yourself. Either one is keeping the door open, and the relationship unfinished. Deliver them to a mutual friend who you can trust to get them to their owner safely.

8. Do at least one new thing, or visit a new and interesting restaurant, every month.

9. Journal about your feelings, confide in a trusted friend if you must, but do not repetitively burden your friends with your stories, memories, and pain.

It will irritate them, and keep your hurts from healing.

10. Nurture yourself, love yourself, and consciously savor the things you do for yourself.

Until you can give love and nurturance to yourself you cannot healthily give them to anyone else.

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