The Top 10 Ways the Blues Can Teach Us About Relationships & Life (and the EQ SMACKDOWN)

Originally Submitted on 12/13/2003.

The Blues. All about relationships. All about EQ and our different “brains.” Advisory: It is always hard to catch the words in a blues song!

1. Topic: Reality check when under the press of strong emotions from the lower brains.

When I saw that other woman in there,
I wrote you off instead,
I thought I had your number,
But I was too blind to see,
You turned around and started cheatin’on me

Go ‘way baby, why don’t you leave me alone
Save your breath, I ain’t lyin’
Save your breath, ‘cause you been untrue
Save your breath, no need in tryin’
Song: “Save Your Breath,” Koko Taylor

EQ SMACKDOWN: “To the blind, all things happen suddenly,” says Philip Belove, MA, EdD who helps midlife men and women “see relationship possibilities clearly and act effectively.” When you see what you see, see it. Be mindful. Those chemicals from the brain stem and limbic brains are designed to be stronger than reason, and they can overcome your “better judgment.” But there comes a time to say “Save your breath, I ain’t lyin’.”

2. Topic: Losing your Integrity because someone’s working on your brain.

I don’t want no man always hittin’ on me,
You know the last man hit me died in 1983
Don’t want no man stayin’ out all night long
‘Cause he won’t be gettin' nothin’
That he ain’t got here at home
You went out last night to have some fun
Didn’t get home til a half past one
Starting to argue, knocking my eyes
That was just when I realized
I DON’T WANT NO MAN HITTIN’ ON ME
He told me he hit me cause he loved me
Ain’t it a shame how he work my brain
Song: “Hittin’ on Me,” Koko Taylor

EQ SMACKDOWN: Hittin’ on doesn’t belong in a committed intimate relationship – be it hittin’ on you, or hittin’on someone else outside the relationship. The other person has no authenticity, and the integrity of the relationship is compromised. Don’t let someone “work your brain.” Keep a cool head. Use your EQ skills!

3. Topic: Using the neocortex instead of the brain-stem to make important life decisions.

Just one grain of your sugar
Used to sweeten up my days
Now you’ve turned into someone I never knew
And all your love’s been betrayed
Baby you just won’t be true
If the Lord’ll keep the thought of you outa my head
I’ll keep your booty outa my bed
Song: “Keep Your Booty Out of My Bed,” Koko Taylor

EQ SMACKDOWN: And the Lord helps those who help themselves! Smack that brain stem down (booty) and get up to your neocortex – think, analyze and make smart choices. Don’t react. Respond, and act in ways that benefit you. Keep that booty out of your bed!

4. Topic: Self-soothing in the face of sexual jealousy.

Some other woman,
Some other woman is making love to you
Somebody bring me some water
I’m burning up alive
My baby got another lover
Don’t know how I’ll survive …
But tonight sweet devil,
Sweet devil got my soul
Do anything to get you offa my mind
Got some insanity, the temporary kind
Tell me how long I’ll ever be the same
I know the woman is somewhere whisperin’
That other woman is whisperin’ your name
Somebody bring me some water
I’m burning up alive
Song: “Bring Me Some Water,” Koko Taylor

EQ SMACKDOWN: Those brainstem reactions relating to sexual jealousy bring on “the sweet devil,” and “temporary insanity.” Learn to cool them down, to self-soothe. Throw a glass of cold water in your face and “come to your senses.” Or go take a cold shower.

5. Topic: Limbic connection and sweet regulation.

I’m in love with a sweet man
From his head down to his toes
I’d rather be bit by a rattlesnake
Than to let my sweet thing go
Cause without my sweet thing
You know I ain’t nowhere
I’m in love.
When I need him so, he’s right there,
He’s the man next door.
Song: “The Man Next Door,” Koko Taylor

EQ SMACKDOWN: Research tells us nothing is better for our health than a good love relationship. Happily married people live longer and enjoy better health, both mental and physical. In their breakthrough book, “A General Theory of Love," the authors (3 psychiatrists) point out that we aren’t really self-regulating, even as adults; we need others to “regulate” us. Not want, but need. Find someone who “regulates” you well, they say, and stick with them. (Caution: This is not to be confused with what is generally referred to as “co-dependency”.)

6. Topic: If you lose your Authenticity in the fast lane, you’ll be living a lie and wanting to cry.

I’m so alone with people around me
I gotta show a smile so they can see
The pressure’s on and I got to produce
Sometimes I wonder should I turn it all loose
This is the lyin’ that I choose
Make you wanna cry but I keep on laughin’
To keep from cryin’

I need just a minute to clear my mind
Livin’ in the fast lane you just don’t have the time
So many distractions seem to come my way
Closer I get to myself the further I seem to be away
This is lie that I choose
Song: “I Laugh to Keep from Crying,” Ronnie Baker Brooks

EQ SMACKDOWN: EQ starts with self-awareness and ruthless honesty with yourself. Know yourself and your feelings or you’re going to feel the pressure and feel like turning it all loose.

7. Topic: Love and the Blues

Who wants love?
Love is a joy we borrow;
Pay back in tears tomorrow;
So who wants love?

So who wants love?
I'll go away without it,
I know too much about it,
Who wants love?

EQ SMACKDOWN: The reason there are so many blues songs about love is that we get our highest and lowest emotional moments in life from our relationships. I include this one because someone asked Billie Holliday how she'd handled such a hard life, and she said her life was fine, that she sang the blues for other women. “No man gonna treat me bad,” she said, “I know I who I am.” Word!

8. Topic: The Key to Happiness from Cab Calloway - optimism and positive attitude

[Scatting]
Hi-de-hi-de-hi!
Ho-de-ho-de-ho!
[Scatting]
Keep that hi-de-hi in your soul!
Rhythm can't be beat,
Rhythm in your feet,
Keep that hi-de-hi in your soul!
[Scatting]
Let the good times roll,
Keep that hi-de-hi, that ho-de-ho deep down in my soul!
Song: “Keep that Hi-de-Hi in Your Soul,” Cab Calloway

EQ SMACKDOWN: What were we saying about a positive attitude?

9. Topic: Communication, Intentionality

Now, when I ask you for roses,
And you know I like pretty roses,
Go out and bring me some red roses,
Or leave me alone!

Now, when I ask you for huggin',
And you know I like plenty huggin',
Get busy, brother, and hug me!
Or leave me alone.
Song: “Or Leave Me Alone,” Lil Hardin Armstrong

EQ SMACKDOWN: Good, clear communication is part of Emotional Intelligence, and strong, healthy relationships, and so is Intentionality. Don't make them guess. Say what you mean and mean what you say, and stick by it. Then those who care about you can give you what you want. Otherwise, get rid of the toleration. Tell 'em to leave you alone.

10. Topic: Constructive Discontent, Authenticity

There ain't nothing I can do,
Or nothing I can say,
That the folks don't criticize me;
But I'm gonna do just as I
Would do anyway,
And I don't care if they all despise me!

If I should take a notion
To jump into the ocean,
'Tain't nobody's business if I do, do, do, love, do, do.
Song: "'Tain't Nobody's Biz-Ness If I Do," Porter Grainer

EQ SMACKDOWN: EQ means taking a stand and being who you are. Being able to manage the emotions when others disagree with you, and sticking to your guns.

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