The Top 10 Nitty-Gritty Tips for the Single Woman for the Holidays

Originally Submitted on 11/22/2003.

Sorry to Be "Alone" on Christmas? Are You Kidding? Here's the skinny from someone who knows. I was married for many years with children, then a single parent, so I’ve experienced many different kinds of Christmases. The fear of "being alone for the holidays" is almost as strong as our fear of public speaking, and is probably more of a projection -- a fear of the unknown. However, it's predicted that by 1020, 47.2% of us will be unmarried (Source: American Association of Single Persons.) The stressors at Christmas time are different for single folk, and not what you might imagine. For one thing we have a lot more choices than our married friends. If you're single and not with people for the holidays, it's a choice. Read on! And remember, you can be more "lonely" with a person who's unable to connect than enjoying yourself in solitary activities!

1. Focus on what bad things you don't have to endure, rather than the good things you don't get to experience.

You will NOT have sick kids, kids in meltdown, husbands in meltdown, arguments over money, in-laws for 3 days, a drive to Elberta, AL, someone mad whether you go to church or don't, his drunk Aunt Edna at your holiday table, his mother's nasty broccoli and rice casserole, the Bickersons on your left, or any reason to get up before 10 am on Christmas Day unless you want to.

2. Remember that with a divorce rate in the US of 50%, half those married couples are miserable.

Nor would there be all those articles on the Internet about how to cope with the annual family gathering. It isn't all Norman Rockwell.

3. Please do exactly what you want to do for your holiday.

I'm a big advocate for this. One of the more difficult things is to eat alone at a 5-star restaurant. Do this as a form of self-discipline and advocacy, as I have, and for that reason only (not because friends aren't available). If the alternative is to eat at some home you don't want to (and be aware some people will invite you over because they can't stand one another and don't get along), then embrace this option and master it. Decide, as I did, that being a single woman is not going to limit your life in any way. Like when you DO go out, DRESS. (It's for YOU, not anyone else.)

4. Raise consciousness.

Train waitpeople. I have, and I notice it's slowly catching on. Instead of "dining alone?" or "just one?" I prefer "one for dinner?" don't you? Gently inform your friends that, "You know if you don't have anywhere else to go, you can come over here for Christmas Dinner," is not an invitation. This is an invitation: "We'd love for you to join us for Christmas Dinner. Are you free?"

5. Don't suffer a moment's guilt if you decide to hang the whole thing up and take a cruise to the Bahamas.

That's something a lot of family-people don't have the freedom, time or money to do. They'll be silently envying you, instead of vice versa! You also have the option to cancel Christmas. There are a lot of people who half-wish they could! If all your siblings have kids and it's a long plane ride with diminishing returns, just cancel Christmas! One year I did, and wrote my master's thesis.

6. Give the party yourself.

Have an Open House all Christmas Day. That'll keep you busy and happy!

7. Go out for dinner, observe the kids screaming, the wives pouting, the husbands bellowing, the in-laws embarrassed, and the out-laws bored, and revel in the peace and beauty at your own table.

Or fix yourself an elegant meal at home, serve it on your best china, put Christmas carols on the stereo, sit down in front of the fireplace and enjoy. Do this as a form of self-discipline. Everyone should learn to get over "being alone." If you can't learn to tolerate your own company, you will make some miserable partnering-mistake out of desperation. Yes, yes, I know it's Christmas, but all the more reason to buckle down. As Shelly Winters said, "It was so cold that winter I almost got married." Notice she said "almost."

8. Beware of being invited to be "the steer in among the bulls."

I was invited one year to someone's Christmas Eve with this statement, "Tim's Mom is totally impossible. We want you to come along to help us out. You have all that psychology, you know." I am not making that up. You deserve better.

9. Be prepared to receive a lot of invitations.

Contrary to assumptions that singles are "alone" at Christmas, single people are usually very popular at Christmas time. We are also used to maintaining a strong social network and social calendar as needed and desired. If you get a pseudo-invitation, say, "Can I get back to you on this?" If it's a true invitation, you must reply when it's extended, and if you decline, decline all others - same rules as for the prom. Of course it pays to be proactive. Decide early how YOU want to spend your holiday.

10. Peace!

If you can't experience peace, comfort, beauty, enjoyment and gratitude (the essence of Christmas) alone, you won't be able to with someone else.

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