The Top 10 Variations on an Ineffective Listening Theme

Originally Submitted on 6/15/2001.

1. Uh-huh Listening

(a.k.a. Faking Listening, Out-of-body Listening, Tuned-out Listening) Disinterested; listening as a should; tired; distracted. Physically present, quiet, making eye contact, and occasional 'Uh-huh's,' but not present with the speaker; beamed out with other thoughts.

2. Peek-a-boo Listening

(a.k.a. In-and-Out Listening) Inattentive; Distracted. Listener grasps some content, but the speaker doesn't feel fully heard. At times listener is faking interest rather than really taking interest.

3. Put-down Listening

(a.k.a. I-Refuse-To Listening) Critical; judgmental; annoyed; impatient. Comparing. Quick reassurances and changing the topic. E.g. 'Please, get to the point.' 'Quit whining.' 'You're going on and on.' 'Well good, you're finally showing progress.' 'Go ahead. I'm listening (with sarcasm).' Put-down Listening can also be communicated non-verbally.

4. Filter Listening

(a.k.a. I'm Stuck in My World Listening) Preconceived notions; prejudices; limited by and attending to one's own point-of-view not the speaker's. Incoming data is interpreted through the listener's belief filters and perspective. Often either/or, good/bad, right/wrong, hopeful/hopeless type thinking.

A form of Filter Listening is Agenda Listening - Listening only for what one wants to hear or expects to hear.

5. Hot Button Listening

(a.k.a. Emotionally Reactive Listening) Personalizing the speaker's words; reacting Vs responding. Reaction overshadows the speaker. Listener hears the speaker's words as accusing, hurtful, or threatening when not intended that way. Getting defensive and angry makes it impossible to listen.

6. Rehearsal Listening

(a.k.a. Faking Listening or Put-Down listening combined with preparing for your turn to speak.) Treating the speaker's airtime as time to prepare a reply or rebuttal.

7. King of the Hill Listening

(a.k.a. I-Can-Top-That Listening, You're Wrong Listening, It's My Turn Listening) Interrupting the speaker. Possible sources: Listener believes speaker's thoughts are not as important; believes listening would mean agreement; listener's own need to be heard and understood overrides.

8. Heartless Listening

(a.k.a. Computer Listening) Mechanical; no compassion, warmth, or genuine relating. Listens to what is said, but fails to hear who is speaking and convey understanding. Maybe hears the point, but fails to hear the feeling or context. The other 9 variations result in Heartless Listening. Interrupting to reassure, help, or respond to the speaker is not the same as listening to honor the speaker's feelings and words.

A form of Heartless Listening is Another Planet Listening. (a.k.a. Non sequitur Listening) The listener's response shows listener wasn't tracking the point.

9. Burned Bridges Listening

(a.k.a. Noncommittal Listening) Not relating. Lacking empathy. Hearing, but failing to give an adequate response. Responds to speaker in ways that disregard, disrespect, and diminish the speaker, thus breaking the communication link. Results in the speaker not feeling heard at all, misunderstandings, or at a minimum, not knowing what the listener's reaction is.

10. I'll Save You Listening

(a.k.a. You're Broken, I'll Fix You Listening) Listening from a belief the speaker is incapable of resolving his/her own concerns. Correcting. Giving unsolicited advice. Interrupting to rescue. Though often described as coming from love... 'I'm just trying to be helpful,' the typical source is an attempt to buffer anxiety. 'I get uncomfortable or unhappy if you are unhappy. I'm responsible for you and have to 'fix' you for me to be comfortable again.'

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