Coaching Tip: Button-Pushing Colleagues

Originally Submitted on 5/26/99.

Introduction

Sooner or later most of us will find ourselves coaching a client who, though initially thinking that they are unhappy at work, will turn out to have an issue with just one specific person (who we'll call Chris). Very frequently it will become clear that the two people concerned are not victim and perpetrator, but mutual button-pushers. Whatever effect Chris is having on the client, it is highly likely that your client is having the same effect on Chris.

The Coaching Tip

Without their realizing it, mutual button-pushers are usually reacting to something about the other individual that reminds of them of someone from their past. One coaching technique may be to ask the client who else has caused them to feel the way that they feel around this individual. The client may need to work fairly hard to keep in mind that Chris is not the person from the past, and so not allow reactions from the past to infect those of the present. However, having identified the original individual does make this easier.

Another technique may be to help the client work on remembering that however Chris appears to the client, the reverse situation is probably also occurring. If Chris appears angry and threatening, perhaps your client does also. Perhaps a great deal of bluster and aggression hides a deep insecurity. Sometimes doing visualization work on seeing Chris as in need of soothing and nurturing can work wonders. Making a point of having something pleasant to say at neutral moments can also have a healing effect.

Another technique that may work is asking a neutral third party to join, even moderate, some face-to-face discussion of what is causing the problems, and how they can be resolved. This takes courage, goodwill, and some skill on the part of the third party.

If face-to-face communication unfailingly leads to escalation it may be better to try to communicate by memo, keeping these strictly businesslike and avoiding all personal issues (and keeping copies whenever possible).

People often contemplate leaving an otherwise good job just because of problems with one person, and sometimes it may become necessary. However, before a final decision is made it may be worthwhile for the client to put some time and effort into seeking the root of the interpersonal problem, and trying to resolve it.

---

About the Submitter

This content may be forwarded in full, with copyright, contact, and creation information intact, without specific permission, when used only in a not-for-profit context. For other uses, permission in writing from CoachVille is required. Questions: email topten@coachville.com

Please use your browser controls to close this page & return to the selection page, or click to return to Top 10 home page.