Coaching Tip: Dealing with the Anger Crisis

Originally Submitted on 3/16/99.

Introduction

A particularly difficult situation for a coach can be when a client is suddenly involved in a situation that invokes negative emotions, and even potentially harmful responses. A client has just been harmed in some way and is ravingly (or sobbingly) angry.

The Coaching Tip

The reaction of the coach may be twofold. First, there is often an adjoining anger. How dare someone treat your client that way! The accompanying emotion may be helplessness or fear. A coach is not a therapist, and may not be equipped to deal with strong emotions. Is the client likely to make an ill-considered response once you are off the phone? How can you counsel restraint? What tack should you take?

In the short run the best strategy is probably to listen, and listen, and then to listen. The more the client feels heard, the more the feelings are vented, the less likely is there to be an untoward action later. Remember that listening does not mean agreeing or condoning. Be careful that the client does not hear your concern and patience as agreement that immediate and ill-considered action is warranted.

On the other hand, direct advice is unlikely to be heard during an emotional crisis, and may lead to the ending of the conversation.

One way to guide the client toward thinking in a more positive, problem solving mode can be to ask outright, "How can I help you? What would you like me to do or say right now?" The first response may be, "There's nothing you can do." If you gently refuse to accept this, but continue expressing your desire to be helpful in a low-key manner, the client may start to think more realistically about what can be done.

We all hope that these sudden crises will not arise, but, sooner or later, they may. It is wise to make a practice of regularly asking the client how you may help long before there is a crisis. You will be tapping into a source of wisdom that knows the client's moods far better than you can, and it is a way of getting the client into the habit of problem solving and deciding how to seek help.

Another technique may be to ask the client to promise to call you before taking any action. While this may not always work, it can add another line of defense against destructive impulses. If the situation seems really serious, with the possibility that the client or someone else may be harmed, then it is important to enlist professional help. Perhaps you can turn to your own coach, a crisis hot line, or even to 911 if you are sure that is warranted.

Let's hope this never happens to you.

Most importantly, in any emotional situation the coach needs to maintain objectivity and not get sucked into the crisis. Remember that this is not your life, and however deeply you care about the welfare of your clients, and however much you want to help them, they are still responsible for their own choices and consequences.

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